The Story of My Abortion
By Leslie Oosterwyk | March 22, 2011
I am here to tell you the story of my abortion. I understand that the subject of abortion can be deeply emotional and highly controversial and I am not here to politicize abortion. God has called me to share the story of how my abortion affected my life. He has also called me to walk along side those who have experienced an abortion and to point others to Jesus.
I am going to start out with a couple statistics on abortion:
22% of all pregnancies end in abortion.
1.3 million Abortions are performed each year in the United States.
That is 3,562 per day, 148 per hour, almost 3 abortions per minute.
Since the legalization of abortion in 1973, there have been well over 48 million abortions in the United States.
To get an idea of how many lives that is: that would be the population of Washington, Oregon, California, and Idaho.
If the current trend continues 46% of American women will have at least one abortion in their lifetime.
I had my abortion in February 1976 when I was 19 years old. I was 6 weeks along. Jim and I had been married for a couple of years and our son Aaron was 18 months old. Jim and I were having marriage and financial problems when I found out I was pregnant. Neither of us thought that our marriage would survive. Abortion had been legal for about 3 years and it seemed like a better alternative than having a baby in our current circumstances. I was pro-choice and I believed that the baby I was carrying was nothing more than a clump of cells. I believed the lie that I could have an abortion and get on with my life. I believed that it was my body and I had the right to do whatever I wanted with it. Foolishly I thought that because abortion was legal it must be okay.
As I think back to that day almost 33 years ago I recall the sense of secrecy and shame I felt even in scheduling my abortion. The abortion clinic was so ordinary looking. It was like any other doctors office. It wasn’t dark or hidden like I had expected. As I filled out the paperwork and paid the money my whole body was shaking. I was so nervous and scared, but I kept telling myself that it would all be over soon…hurry, get it done, and forget about it.
They gave me something to calm my nerves. As I was up on the table they gave me a shot of sodium pentothal which knocked me out. They turned on the suction machine and the last thought I remember having was that I didn’t care if they cut off my arms or my legs. Ironically enough that is exactly what was about to happen to my baby. I woke up later in a small cubicle thinking that I had to get dressed and get out of there as fast as possible.
Immediately afterwards I felt regret and a deep sense of loss. I cried a lot. I fantasized about committing suicide, but I loved my son so much that I couldn’t imagine leaving him. For years I struggled with guilt, shame, despair, and the fear that others would find out what I had done. I couldn’t understand that if I’d done the right thing why was I in such turmoil. I knew something was wrong with me and I knew that my relationships were being affected, but I didn’t know what the root problem was. As years went by I was able to shove down the day to day thoughts of my abortion. I would smoke pot regularly to numb my feelings and often felt disconnected. About every 6 months I would go through a deep depression. In 1979 our daughter Andrea was born and in 1982 I got pregnant again. When I was 12 weeks along I had a miscarriage. My miscarriage brought back all the thoughts that I had tried to shove down from my abortion. Right after I miscarried I held this little baby in my hand and could see that it was well formed. I could see the baby’s arms and legs, torso and head. At that moment I knew that it was more than a clump of cells, it was a baby. I realized that even after 6 years I hadn’t gotten on with my life and I definitely hadn’t forgotten about my abortion. And even though I may have the right to control my body, my freedom of choice does not include freedom to murder another human being and that is what my abortion did.
I was raised Catholic and had always thought God weighed my sins on a scale. I thought if my good deeds out weighed my bad deeds than I would go to heaven. When I finally understood what I had done I realized the weight of my sin. I knew that there was nothing I could do to tip the scales in my favor. At about that same time we started going to a small church where I heard that Jesus paid the price for my sins. I was 26 years old and I don’t believe I had ever heard the gospel before. Over the next few months I regularly attended church, started reading my Bible, and sometime that year I accepted Christ as my Savior. Although I knew that I was forgiven and would go to heaven when I died, I was still in bondage over my abortion. If anyone mentioned the word abortion I would become shaky and break out in a sweat. I was so afraid that someone would find out what I had done. I needed healing and didn’t want to live in bondage anymore. Thankfully God sent a lot of other woman into my life that had also had abortions. I was able to talk and share with them. In 1993 I started going to a small abortion support group. During this 12 week Bible study I was able to see the pain I was trying to shove down and apply God’s word directly to my life. Through that study and with the prayers of others God brought me a lot of healing. Although it was a difficult healing process it was well worth it. I knew the truth and the truth set me free.
Through my abortion God was able to show me my sin and my need for a Savior. I needed him to save me from hell and I also needed him to save me from the deep pit that I had lived in for so long. Satan’s intent was to destroy me. And he had a victory when I chose to kill my baby. But he couldn’t keep me in a state of constant guilt and shame. God gives me grace and mercy. I am no longer in bondage. I am free from that dark pit. God’s word is full of how much He loves me.
In closing let me address 3 groups of people who read this:
First, those who speak up for the innocent and against abortion, thank you. Abortion grieves God’s heart and it should grieve ours also, but we need to watch what we say. Occasionally I hear well meaning, pro-life people make comments like, “I can’t believe anyone could have an abortion.” You never know who is standing next to you. Post abortive women and men need to know that abortion is not the unpardonable sin. That Jesus’ sacrifice covers their sins. They need to know that God’s grace is extended to them.
Next, if you find yourself or someone you know in an unplanned pregnancy you need to know that there are other options besides abortion. Abortion is not a good choice. Abortion takes the life of an innocent child and leaves regret and lifelong scars in women’s lives. Women in unplanned pregnancies need to know there is hope. Even though it may be a difficult situation there are many people to help them every step of the way and they are not alone.
Last, if you are held in bondage by your past abortions the Bible says Jesus came to set the captives free. It says the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but Jesus comes that we may have life and have it to the full. Please take the courageous step and tell someone and be willing to allow God to reach in and heal those hurting areas of your life.
Back
I am going to start out with a couple statistics on abortion:
22% of all pregnancies end in abortion.
1.3 million Abortions are performed each year in the United States.
That is 3,562 per day, 148 per hour, almost 3 abortions per minute.
Since the legalization of abortion in 1973, there have been well over 48 million abortions in the United States.
To get an idea of how many lives that is: that would be the population of Washington, Oregon, California, and Idaho.
If the current trend continues 46% of American women will have at least one abortion in their lifetime.
I had my abortion in February 1976 when I was 19 years old. I was 6 weeks along. Jim and I had been married for a couple of years and our son Aaron was 18 months old. Jim and I were having marriage and financial problems when I found out I was pregnant. Neither of us thought that our marriage would survive. Abortion had been legal for about 3 years and it seemed like a better alternative than having a baby in our current circumstances. I was pro-choice and I believed that the baby I was carrying was nothing more than a clump of cells. I believed the lie that I could have an abortion and get on with my life. I believed that it was my body and I had the right to do whatever I wanted with it. Foolishly I thought that because abortion was legal it must be okay.
As I think back to that day almost 33 years ago I recall the sense of secrecy and shame I felt even in scheduling my abortion. The abortion clinic was so ordinary looking. It was like any other doctors office. It wasn’t dark or hidden like I had expected. As I filled out the paperwork and paid the money my whole body was shaking. I was so nervous and scared, but I kept telling myself that it would all be over soon…hurry, get it done, and forget about it.
They gave me something to calm my nerves. As I was up on the table they gave me a shot of sodium pentothal which knocked me out. They turned on the suction machine and the last thought I remember having was that I didn’t care if they cut off my arms or my legs. Ironically enough that is exactly what was about to happen to my baby. I woke up later in a small cubicle thinking that I had to get dressed and get out of there as fast as possible.
Immediately afterwards I felt regret and a deep sense of loss. I cried a lot. I fantasized about committing suicide, but I loved my son so much that I couldn’t imagine leaving him. For years I struggled with guilt, shame, despair, and the fear that others would find out what I had done. I couldn’t understand that if I’d done the right thing why was I in such turmoil. I knew something was wrong with me and I knew that my relationships were being affected, but I didn’t know what the root problem was. As years went by I was able to shove down the day to day thoughts of my abortion. I would smoke pot regularly to numb my feelings and often felt disconnected. About every 6 months I would go through a deep depression. In 1979 our daughter Andrea was born and in 1982 I got pregnant again. When I was 12 weeks along I had a miscarriage. My miscarriage brought back all the thoughts that I had tried to shove down from my abortion. Right after I miscarried I held this little baby in my hand and could see that it was well formed. I could see the baby’s arms and legs, torso and head. At that moment I knew that it was more than a clump of cells, it was a baby. I realized that even after 6 years I hadn’t gotten on with my life and I definitely hadn’t forgotten about my abortion. And even though I may have the right to control my body, my freedom of choice does not include freedom to murder another human being and that is what my abortion did.
I was raised Catholic and had always thought God weighed my sins on a scale. I thought if my good deeds out weighed my bad deeds than I would go to heaven. When I finally understood what I had done I realized the weight of my sin. I knew that there was nothing I could do to tip the scales in my favor. At about that same time we started going to a small church where I heard that Jesus paid the price for my sins. I was 26 years old and I don’t believe I had ever heard the gospel before. Over the next few months I regularly attended church, started reading my Bible, and sometime that year I accepted Christ as my Savior. Although I knew that I was forgiven and would go to heaven when I died, I was still in bondage over my abortion. If anyone mentioned the word abortion I would become shaky and break out in a sweat. I was so afraid that someone would find out what I had done. I needed healing and didn’t want to live in bondage anymore. Thankfully God sent a lot of other woman into my life that had also had abortions. I was able to talk and share with them. In 1993 I started going to a small abortion support group. During this 12 week Bible study I was able to see the pain I was trying to shove down and apply God’s word directly to my life. Through that study and with the prayers of others God brought me a lot of healing. Although it was a difficult healing process it was well worth it. I knew the truth and the truth set me free.
Through my abortion God was able to show me my sin and my need for a Savior. I needed him to save me from hell and I also needed him to save me from the deep pit that I had lived in for so long. Satan’s intent was to destroy me. And he had a victory when I chose to kill my baby. But he couldn’t keep me in a state of constant guilt and shame. God gives me grace and mercy. I am no longer in bondage. I am free from that dark pit. God’s word is full of how much He loves me.
In closing let me address 3 groups of people who read this:
First, those who speak up for the innocent and against abortion, thank you. Abortion grieves God’s heart and it should grieve ours also, but we need to watch what we say. Occasionally I hear well meaning, pro-life people make comments like, “I can’t believe anyone could have an abortion.” You never know who is standing next to you. Post abortive women and men need to know that abortion is not the unpardonable sin. That Jesus’ sacrifice covers their sins. They need to know that God’s grace is extended to them.
Next, if you find yourself or someone you know in an unplanned pregnancy you need to know that there are other options besides abortion. Abortion is not a good choice. Abortion takes the life of an innocent child and leaves regret and lifelong scars in women’s lives. Women in unplanned pregnancies need to know there is hope. Even though it may be a difficult situation there are many people to help them every step of the way and they are not alone.
Last, if you are held in bondage by your past abortions the Bible says Jesus came to set the captives free. It says the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but Jesus comes that we may have life and have it to the full. Please take the courageous step and tell someone and be willing to allow God to reach in and heal those hurting areas of your life.