I am writing my life story for a couple different reasons. First, I am writing because I have a new family…a new family at NewView Church.  I want you, as my family, to get to know me.  Know where I have been and where I am now.  Second, I find myself thinking “if they really knew my past they wouldn’t accept me”.  I know that those thoughts are not true, but they still come. I want to put a stop to those thoughts and give you all insight into my life.  And third, and most importantly, I feel the nudging of the Holy Spirit to share my story.

I grew up in a Christian home with a great family. I had a wonderful childhood.  As far back as I can remember we were regular church attendees.  I was a homeschooling mothers dream.  I loved church and I loved Jesus.  I was baptized at 12 and I thought I was almost perfect.  In fact, I recall thinking that if God was going to choose another Virgin Mary He would definitely choose me (no pride issue there).  Freshman year I started attending a small Christian school and loved it.

And yet…
My right actions were not from a right heart.  I wanted to try life my own way.  I believed the lie that loving Jesus wasn’t very fulfilling. I believed that Jesus and my parents were trying to keep me from fun.  I started to look elsewhere to fill the God shaped void in my life. First it was smoking, then it was drinking, then I started smoking pot.  The more I fed my sinful nature the more it grew.  I told myself that I was in control of my sin and that my actions didn’t affect anyone but me, I was an island.  Many times I recall looking in the mirror wondering “how did I get here?” What started out as fun ended up controlling me. Sin dominated me. I started out smoking, drinking, and smoking pot to feel good, I continued so I wouldn’t feel bad.  
    
Cigarettes became my best friend and alcohol numbed the pain I didn’t want to feel.  My parents would confront me about my life style but I was closed down and hard hearted.  Every once in awhile I would go to church and pray, but my prayers felt like they hit the ceiling.   When I was 21 I got a DUI.  I was embarrassed and sorry that I had gotten caught.  But I wasn’t repentant.

I continued to party for a couple years. My DUI didn’t break me; sadly it barely slowed me down.  When I was 23 my life changed.  After an evening of heavy drinking Kaeden was conceived with someone I had recently met.  When I found out I was pregnant I was very angry and didn’t know what to do.  I wanted it to go away.  I didn’t want anyone to find out.  For about 2 weeks I strongly considered abortion. It was the worst 2 weeks of my life. My mind was a battlefield.  It was a battle between life and death.   And thankfully LIFE won.   Two weeks after finding out I was pregnant I told my parents and they took the news way better than I could have imagined.  I quit smoking cigarettes, drinking and smoking pot.  I believe God took away my desire for those things.  Most of my pregnancy I was very sad, angry, depressed and full of fear. I thought God was reigning down His wrath on me. 


And yet…
God blessed me with a baby.  On January 20th 2004 God gave me a precious gift. When I first saw his little face I knew that I loved him, but I had no idea how much I would grow to love him.  His little life has affected so many other lives. He has brought so much joy in seasons where joy was definitely lacking.  After having Kaeden I gained a whole new understanding of the Lord’s love for me.  When I look into my sweet little boy’s face I am reminded of the big change one little life can make. God has truly blessed me with Kaeden.

 At times I wonder… maybe the wrath of God is allowing people to stay in their sin, and maybe the mercy of God is doing whatever it takes to get them out.   I can’t even express into words how the Lord has changed my heart.  But I thank God I am being sanctified daily.  

I am not entirely sure at what point or why I chose to walk that dark path. But do know that sin will take you further than you ever planned and will keep you longer than you ever intended.  I think back to the life that I once lived and I can’t even believe that it was me.  It was as if I curled up onto the devil’s proverbial lap and he lulled me to sleep.  By the grace of God I was awakened.  “Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you” Eph. 5:14.

I deserve death.

And yet…

I receive mercy, grace, comfort, restoration, freedom, peace, redemption, and LIFE. Thankfully my sin goes on Jesus and His grace comes on me.